Papa Rossi
by Quiirky
Summary: -DISCONTINUED- AU. Dave searches for the perfect woman to help keep his six kids, Aaron, Emily, Derek, Penelope, JJ and Spencer, out of trouble. Shenanigans ensue. Will be rated M eventually.
1. Dilemma

Dave had to admit that sometimes it was difficult raising six kids all alone. His most recent wife had gone crazy about five years ago; the son they'd had together had been no older than seven at the time. Since then, Dave had juggled his job, the kids from all five marriages, and the house by himself and he'd done a damn good job, all things considered. Now that the kids were older, however, he no longer had a clue how to help them through their problems. Back in the day it had been easy. Band-Aids were distributed for cuts and scrapes and a bowl of chocolate chip ice cream was enough to cheer anyone up. Then things had suddenly become complicated.

There was Aaron, the eldest, with the mentality of a wizened grandfather and the habit of shouldering all responsibility. Aaron took it upon himself to watch out and care for his younger siblings, and Dave worried that the eighteen-year-old didn't invest enough attention or time in himself. It was one thing for Aaron to be a strong and reliable older brother; it was another thing for him to repress his own emotions and desires for what he perceived to be the betterment of the family.

Then there was Emily. Like her brother, she was smart as a whip and incredibly hard-headed, but the girl was so insecure in her own skin that Dave knew it was only a matter of time before Emily caved in to peer pressure and lost sight of her identity and goals. She was just so eager to please and so desperate to be accepted that nothing could deter her desire to be liked.

Derek was the more obvious type of "troubled teen." He was angry, short-tempered, and a bit too rebellious for Dave's taste. The freshman had spent the past few months making a name for himself at the high school. Dave knew that beneath the hot-headed, impulsive exterior, Derek had a gentle, unconquerable heart. It was just a matter of reaching it.

Fraternal twins Penelope and JJ seemed happy enough on the outside. Penelope, with her quick wit and razor-sharp tongue, was a giggly and flirtatious class clown while JJ, with her soft demeanor and excellent people skills, was well-liked by everyone. If he looked deep enough, however, Dave could see a blaring vulnerability in each girl. They were both hypersensitive and too trusting and Dave knew that he could only protect them for so long against inevitable corruption.

Last, but certainly not least, there was Spencer. Dave lost a lot of sleep over this boy. Spencer was a genius, but there was no room in that giant brain of his for social skills. When Spencer wasn't getting the crap beaten out of him, he was alone in a corner somewhere, reading. He didn't have any friends and now that Derek was no longer at the middle school to protect him, Spencer was enduring more taunts and abuse than ever. Just how much longer could the kid put up with the teasing and the beatings before he broke down into an instable wreck?

If only for his kids, Dave was determined to find a partner – a new lady – to help him out. But how was he supposed to do that? He hardly had any time between work and home life to sleep, let alone date. As the man paced back and forth in his study, pausing momentarily to shift through papers on the desk, he was suddenly struck with a brilliant idea. He'd have to ask his tech-savvy daughter for help as soon as she arrived home.


	2. Fish

"Dad…" Penelope began in an exasperated voice.

"Huh?" Dave grunted as he used two fingers to type the third descriptive word that summed up his personality in a nutshell.

Joining an online dating site had been an ingenious idea. With the help of his daughter, he now had a profile and was filling in the details. Baiting the perfect catch would be a cinch with the help of technology. If only it had been this easy the first time around and the second and the third…

"Most women aren't looking for someone who's 'weathered,' 'kid-friendly,' and 'industrious.' Try again."

"Ah, but I'm not looking for 'most women,' Penelope."

Derek peered into the room in time to catch the last bit of the conversation. Curious, he approached the computer and stood behind his dad and sister, leaning in for a better look at the screen.

"Chicks dig a guy who's mature, playful, and vivacious, though. Change the wording and I'm sure you'll hook a big, juicy one. Lemme see the matches when he's done." Derek added, winking at Penelope, who wrinkled her nose and mumbled something along the lines of 'too old for you' as Derek slipped out of the room.

"Too bad the big and juicy ones tend to be slippery," Dave commented aloud, changing his three words to experienced, paternal, and vigorous.

It wasn't until the end of the week that anything came of the dating site.

Penelope and JJ were walking home from school together like they normally did. The mid-afternoon sun stretched its fingers to graze the tops of their heads, staining their blonde locks with a golden glow. Penelope's streaks of purple highlights, of course, beamed a more radiant shade of purple.

Nearby, a cluster of high school buddies become distracted by the sound of soles slapping against the pavement. The leader of the pack, a toned, tanned mountain of a guy, lowered his sunglasses as JJ and Penelope passed by, earning a glare from the shorter and stouter of the two girls as he unabashedly checked out her sister. He muttered something to his friends and the group had a mixed reaction: the other boys patted him on the back and urged him on while a few of the girls scowled and the rest rolled their eyes.

"Hey!" the guy called, simultaneously pulling something out of his pocket and advancing on JJ's receding back.

JJ and Penelope whirled around, surprised, the latter fixing Mountain Boy with a dangerous look that would've scared anybody with half his wits.

"My name's Frank. Me and my friends are throwing a party next weekend over at my boy Nathan's house. You feel free to stop by and… get acquainted." The dimwit winked.

"Uh… okay. I'll run it by my dad," JJ replied as she accepted the written invitation from his hand.

Frank returned to his gang and earned a high five from one of the smaller and less attractive guys.

"You're actually considering going?" Penelope said incredulously, arching an eyebrow so it appeared over the frame of her glasses.

"Well, yeah. You'd go with me, right?"

"Uh… negative. They didn't even invite me, remember?"

"What? This invitation was for the both of us!" JJ protested, waving the piece of paper around in the air.

"Yeah, sure it was. That's why he was staring at you the whole time."

"Come on, Penelope. Maybe you'll meet someone there."

"Nah, I don't think there'll be anyone there who's my type. Don't worry, the World Wide Web and I have a date that night."

"Well, I'm not going alone," JJ stated firmly, with a hint of disappointment in her tone. She'd never been given an invite to a high school party before. She'd need to find someone to go with her.

It was a quiet Friday afternoon. Penelope was typing away on her laptop, earphones in and head bobbing. Aaron was on the phone with his girlfriend, Emily was teaching JJ how to unwrap a Starburst with just her tongue, and Derek was lifting five pound weights while watching TV. During the commercials, he'd invent creative new ways to irk Spencer, who was attempting to study on the other end of the couch.

"It's Friday…" Derek had stated earlier. "Why are you doing homework?"

"This is due Thursday," Spencer had explained.

"Really… Thursday…"

"Yes, that's in less than a week! I've never been this far behind!" Spencer had squeaked.

And so, good old-fashioned family bonding ensued; that is, until Dave came bounding out of his office with earth-shattering news.

"I've got a date tonight!"

A moment of silence followed. Aaron, temporarily distracted from his phone call, wide-eyed and open-mouthed, eventually broke the silence. "Yeah, Haley, I'm still here." Then the floodgates opened.

"Yeah, way to go, Dad!" Derek whooped, jumping up and offering a high five, which Dave waved away.

"Nice one, Dad."

"Who is she?"

"Is she rich?"

"What time will you be home?"

"Actually," Dave began, "I was hoping all of you would come along and meet her yourselves."

There was another soundless pause.

"You know what, I'll call you back later, Haley. Yes, it's urgent. Bye."

"You want to take us along on your date?" Derek asked, wrinkling his forehead.

"You think your date wants the whole family there the first time?" Emily added, disbelieving.

"You're not serious, right?"

"I'm a hundred percent serious. I told her right off the bat that my kids mean everything to me. I'm not going to lead her on. I'm taking you all the first time and if she doesn't like you, then it's over. She has to get along with my kids or there's no point of going any further than date one. You understand now? She seemed to."

A half an hour later, the entire Rossi family piled into the van and set out on their little adventure. Aaron scanned the map and narrated the way to the bar and grill where they were going to meet Maggie.

Maggie Lowe arrived at the restaurant fifteen minutes early and reserved a table for eight. When Dave and his baggage finally arrived, she was ecstatic to see that he was just as handsome in person as he was in the photos. She greeted him with much enthusiasm and his mere presence allowed her to continue smiling as he introduced her to his plethora of offspring.

She sat next to Dave at the table, after he'd so graciously pulled the chair out for her like a true gentleman. She couldn't help but be distracted, however, by the sour-looking brat seated opposite from her. The adolescent – what had Dave introduced her as? Emma or something – had a scrutinizing gaze, which was fixed on Maggie. Every time Maggie looked back into those dark eyes encircled with thick black makeup and attempted to smile, a shiver traveled up her spine. She tried to ignore it.

"So, Dave, what do you do for a living? That part of your profile was surprisingly… vague."

"I'm an undercover cop," Dave revealed, grinning charmingly. "And yourself?"

"Oh," Maggie replied, visions of handcuffs and batons flashing through her mind. "I'm a makeup artist," she said with a glance and a shudder in Emily's direction. "I work with young actresses…"

As Dave and Maggie chatted, a lot of noise broke out at the other end of the table.

"Derek!" Aaron barked sternly, fixing his brother with a warning stare.

"What?" Derek exclaimed, raising his hands in the air. "I'm not doing anything."

"You were making another spitball out of JJ's straw wrapper to propel in my direction. You are now hiding it on the inside of your cheek and I'm still waiting for you to extract this first one from my hair," Spencer said.

Derek looked at his sisters for support but JJ simply raised her eyebrows and grinned, Penelope winked, and Emily was too busy glaring at her lap.

"Oh, alright," Derek conceded, avoiding eye contact with Aaron. He ran a hand through Spencer's greased back hair, ruffling it. The spit wad fell to the floor.

"Hey!" Spencer objected, frantically flattening and smoothing back his mussed hair.

Aaron sighed heavily with disapproval as the younger two boys opened their mouths to resume their bickering. Just then, the waiter arrived. Dave genially gestured for Maggie to order first.

"I'll have the salmon with a –" she began, only to be interrupted by one of the little twerps.

"Did you know that according to the U.N. Food and Agricultural Organization, eighty percent of the world's fisheries are now overexploited by fishermen? Overfishing is a major problem that will seriously threaten the viability of ocean ecosystems in the decades ahead."

"Spencer…" Dave interjected, but the smart mouth with glasses wasn't finished.

"You should inquire as to whether the salmon is 'Atlantic' or farmed. Wild Alaskan salmon is not only more palatably pleasing, but it is also healthier for the environment. Farmed salmon causes much pollution and contributes to overfishing since it takes four to eleven pounds of wild fish to create one pound of farmed salmon. And 'Atlantic' salmon is ironically named as it usually doesn't even come from the Atlantic Ocean." The kid laughed at something that only he found amusing before opening his big mouth again. "Our food choices have a huge impact on – Ow! Who kicked me?"

A lot of 'shhh' noises were directed at Spencer from around the table.

Maggie's lips opened and closed a few times and she held much likeness to a fish. "Listen here, you snotty little smartass. I don't give a damn about sea life and if you ever lecture me again, I'll –"

"That's enough," Dave snapped forcibly, holding up a hand. "I'll pay the bill for the drinks now," he addressed the waiter. "And then we'll be off."

Maggie screamed and hurled her desert pear margarita at Dave's head.


	3. Gift

**A/N:** To answer your questions,

Yes, Gideon will eventually make an appearance. He'll be very important to Spencer. ^^

Spencer is twelve years old.

* * *

Dave was hardly discouraged. As the saying went, there were plenty of fish in the sea. Although, according to Spencer, overfishing was a big problem. Luckily, women were in no danger of extinction. In fact, the world was more overpopulated than ever and reaching out to people had never been easier thanks to technology. There was no reason to cease trying. And so, when Dave returned home that night from his date with Maggie Lowe, he sat down at his computer to check his matches while balancing an icepack on his head.

Early Monday morning, Emily, Derek and Aaron exited the house to find a present on their front porch; actually, Emily quite literally tripped over it.

"What the hell?" she snapped, aiming a kick at the wrapped package.

To her absolute horror, something inside yelped. A few seconds later, Derek was on his knees ripping off the paper and tearing the tape.

"You've got to see this," he said, surprise and disbelief frozen on his face.

Aaron and Emily bent down to get a better look as Derek gently lifted a living, breathing Miniature Schnauzer puppy from the box.

"What in the name of -?"

"What's going on?"

Spencer, Penelope and JJ had just opened the front door to behold a scene of their three older siblings hovering over something on the porch.

"This was in a box outside our door," Aaron explained, taking the puppy from Derek and holding it in one hand like a hot cup of coffee.

"Aw, let me hold him!" Penelope grabbed the tiny dog from Aaron's grasp and cradled it in her arms. "You're so cute," she chortled, stroking the soft fur on its belly.

The puppy wagged its tail and JJ and Spencer closed in around their sister to pet it.

"Who left it here?" Emily posed the question.

"I'm not sure…" Aaron replied.

"Maybe its owner left it here because he didn't want it anymore," suggested Derek.

"Does our house look like a dog pound?" Penelope said. "On second thought, don't answer that."

"Why would someone go through the trouble of wrapping up an unwanted dog in a box with colorful paper?" Aaron pointed out.

"Maybe so it would look appealing to a child. The kid would open the gift, fall in love with the puppy and the puppy would then have a loving home," JJ speculated.

"If the parents agreed to keep it," Emily said.

Spencer shook his head. "I think whoever placed the package on our porch intended for one of us to find it. It wasn't left in this exact location randomly."

Spencer took the puppy from Penelope and it immediately began to lick his face.

"I think he likes you, Spence." JJ grinned.

"I think he's a girl," Spencer said.

"Shouldn't you kids be on your way to school? And where did the mutt come from?" Dave had appeared in the doorway all dressed for work and he looked as though he'd been up most of the night.

Aaron and Emily explained the situation.

"Was there a card?" Dave asked when they were through.

"Nope," Derek replied, taking the puppy from Spencer, who was reluctant to give her up. "But look! There's a collar!"

Dave squinted at the tag.

"Ima," he read out loud. "That's all. There's no address. I'm going to be late if I don't leave ten minutes ago. You kids figure out what to do. And we absolutely cannot keep it," he added, catching sight of Spencer's face.

"But what are we supposed to do? We have school!" Derek exclaimed as Dave's car pulled out of the driveway.

"I'll think of something. You five go to school."

"No way, Aaron. I'm staying here to help you find a home for her."

"I have to go. I have a huge test," Emily said, scratching the puppy behind the ear. She was still feeling guilty for kicking it.

"JJ and I have a quiz, but we could miss it…" Penelope began.

"No. Derek and I will deal with this and the rest of you will go to school. Now."

Emily, Penelope and JJ started their trek to school.

"Spencer?"

The youngest boy had lingered behind.

"I don't have a test or a quiz today and I've already finished this week's homework. Also, I haven't missed a day all year. Please let me help you."

Aaron nodded. "Fine."

A pleased smile replaced Spencer's anxious frown.

"Here you go, kid," Derek said, handing Ima to Spencer. "Don't lose her now."

"I won't."

Ten minutes later, the boys stood at the end of their neighbor's driveway.

"So, you're going to stare at her with those big sad eyes and pout with those plump lips and work a little magic here, all right?" Derek instructed.

Spencer, holding the puppy, practiced his hurt look on his brothers.

"Don't look too pathetic or she might try to adopt you too," Aaron added.

Suddenly, Derek swung and slapped Spencer across the face. Hard.

"Derek!"

"What was that for?" Spencer squeaked, regaining his footing. He'd almost dropped Ima!

"I'm trying to make him cry. If he looks really upset, there's more of a chance the old woman will do what he asks," Derek explained to Aaron, who looked like he was about to give Derek a good chewing out.

"He's right," Spencer piped up, rubbing his stinging cheek with one hand. "Look, my eyes are watering."

Spencer rang the doorbell and then backed away a couple paces. He clutched a sleeping Ima in his arms while tears flowed freely from his eyes. He stood there for about a minute and then looked back at his brothers, who'd remained in the street. Derek made exaggerated gestures of ringing an invisible doorbell over and over. Just as Spencer turned around and reached for the button, he heard footsteps approaching from inside.

An old woman in a floral nightgown opened the door. Her white hair, peppered with gray, hung loosely past her shoulders and she seemed to have a cataract in her left eye. She surveyed the boy wearily.

"My n-name is S-S-Spencer and I w-was wondering if you'd h-help me out," he sobbed. His cheek really hurt.

"Boy, do you know what time it is?" the old lady croaked. "Go ask your mommy for help."

"S-s-sorry, but I c-can't. M-my mom's in an asylum and my d-dad is at work."

"What do you need?" the woman sighed. "A ride to school?"

"N-no," Spencer sputtered, holding the puppy up in front of him so the blind old bat could see. "I f-found this baby canine, but my dad won't let me keep her. Her name is Ima and she n-needs a home."

The old lady saw where this was going.

"I don't want no dog. Take it to the pound where it belongs."

"But they might euthanize her there. Did you know that four million cats and dogs are put down each year? That's about one every eight seconds."

"Quit your whining and deal with it. I don't want it! Now get out of here. And don't come ringing my doorbell this early in the morning again, you hear?"

With that, the old woman slammed the door in Spencer's face. Ima barked and Spencer snuggled her.

"No luck, huh?" Derek said when Spencer rejoined him and Aaron at the bottom of the driveway.

"No, I'm sorry."

"We can try some other neighbors," Derek suggested.

"Great, you do it this time," Spencer said, trying to hand Derek the puppy.

"No way, man. I'm not half as innocent-looking as you."

"I have a better idea. Follow me," Aaron ordered, relieving Spencer of Ima and holding her awkwardly against his chest.

Spencer and Derek followed.

"You couldn't even convince a kind little old lady to take in an adorable puppy? That's pretty sad."

"Derek, nothing about her was kind or little. She was quite terrifying, actually."

"You really are pathetic, pretty boy. Scared of a granny."

"You want to meet her? Because we can turn back right now and you can go ring her doorbell. I'll start digging your grave."

Aaron was growing tired of listening to his brothers' excessive bickering. They were only a block away from their destination. Just one more block…

"Hey, are we going to school?" Spencer asked, jogging to catch up to Aaron.

Derek laughed. "Hey, you run like a wounded lemur!"

"Yeah, well you talk like a -"

"That's enough," Aaron cut in, and both boys shut up. "We are heading towards the school," he confirmed.

Spencer sensed that his oldest brother was on edge, so he didn't inquire any further. Derek, on the other hand, chose to speak up.

"We're going to school? Aaron, we can't. We're supposed to be looking for -"

"Believe it or not, I know what I'm doing," Aaron snapped.

There was a moment of thick silence.

"Just trust me," he added in a calmer voice.

Derek and Aaron disappeared inside the high school and Spencer slipped into the middle school, highly embarrassed of how late he was.

At the end of the school day, Spencer found Aaron, Derek and Emily waiting on the middle school steps. Ima was nowhere to be found.

"So, did you find her a home?" Spencer asked, confusion etched across his features.

"I sure did." A slight smile graced Aaron's lips and a faint dimple formed on his cheek. "I gave her to Haley. I told Haley that I'd bought Ima as a gift for her, and she was more than happy to accept it."

"Yes!" Spencer exhaled.

"What are you so happy about?" Emily asked.

"I can visit Ima whenever I want!"

"I hope you know you're not coming with me to my girlfriend's house." Aaron laughed.

Spencer pouted and widened his sad eyes. Derek punched him in the arm so he could cry.


End file.
